infinitywaits


Crescendo.Rhythm.Rest.Melody

1 understanding= the possibility of infinite understanding


Previous Entry Share Next Entry
Because a Man Committed Suicide
infinitywaits
I was forced to evaluate my life and what I am living for. Unfortunately, I was left not knowing after evaluation. You see, after i stripped away the material things that bring me fleeting joy i was left love, happiness,inspiration, and compassion. Those things are perfectly beautiful in their nature. These are things that can be shared universally and yet I sometimes feel as if I experience them alone.
I found myself crying and begging God to have mercy on him because I know how agony feels. Mental agony and or pain is the strongest illusion. It can make you see nothing but it. It can make you weak and be more crippling than a physical disability if you let it. It can send you falling through waves of depression and drown you in tears that choke you and suffocate your consciousness. Yet, it can make you so confused that you hide it and protect it. As a christian I know that suicide results in death of soul and eternal damnation in hell. In life this young man suffered so much that he could barely stand his pain. I asked myself if God was fair. All these thoughts and more because a man committed suicide.

So why am I happy today? I dropped out of highschool and as a result was filled with a sense of inadequacy. I felt stupid. Yet, I ran away to college because my dad is a drunk, my mom is an enabler, and my house is filled with roaches and mice.
I lied to everyone about my life because I was ashamed of the unglorified roots that i had grown from. My family treated me as though i was a barren tree. They chopped me down constantly. I ran away and began to measure my worth in my education, my talent, my skills, and my looks. I am not a looker. so all i have left is a miniscule amount of education, talent, and skills. I will probably delete this post. The point of this paragraph is not a pitty party. I just realize that the pain I have felt in my life is too heavy to be erased by the flimsy things that cause me fleeting joy. I can not carry their weight. I can only float them on a river of hope and pray a waterfall of time corrodes them away.

I can live for nothing. I will only live. I will take joy in today, and today, and today, and realize that tomorrow is only a possibility. Tomorrow is not a fact, or a promise. I only have right now. I won't drown myself in tears but I will bathe in them, letting the water release me from my pain. I will sink my shoulders wrap my arms around myself,hug myself, and kiss my shoulders. I will sing to the sky instead of crying to it. I will hurt and realize that just like a cut or a scrape it is my mind telling me something is wrong. I will adress the causes of my pain and live rather than die as the minutes and hours do.

I wish that man had not committed suicide. I don't know why he did it. In fact, I think why is irrelevant. I don't know how he lived but he spoke kindness to me.

His name was Hashim. His name meant "crusher of evil". I wonder why he was so mislead by the notion that he had to crush himself.

?

Log in